Depression and its layers.

As of late, I have been in this funk; I feel like I am stuck in the underworld.  I keep telling myself, "Just do it" get up and move on.  Yeah, I am depressed and you know what?  It's okay to share it and there's no shame in it. Like many others in the world, I have been through some SHIT in my life.  This time around, I am lost in thoughts of negativity.  It's exhausting and frustrating.  Sometimes, I get to a point where I feel nervous, scared, and  I want to freak out.  I keep telling myself, to take it one day at a time.  I try hard to rationalize.  I also keep telling myself, I am in control of me.  I have the power to push kick myself out of this FUNK. I realize what my problem is, in essence I am not feeding my soul what it needs!!!!  My "Seven Dimensions of Wellness" are all out of whack right now. Point is that I know what I have to do, I have to force myself to start LIVING again.  At this point I am just existing.  At any rate, I am going to quote this article from Scientific American (I will post the link as well) "depression is nature’s way of telling you that you’ve got complex social problems that the mind is intent on solving." http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/depressions-evolutionary/
Don't be ashamed of saying you are depressed, it's part of being human.  However, how we decide to fight depression is another story. Make a healthy decision.  Here's another article that gives healthier options of push kicking yourself out of "The Funk", http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201110/eight-ways-actively-fight-depression I also want to point out, there's nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants, just do it responsibly and understand that it does not cure the underlying problems causing the depression. 

Live and Love Fiercely!

Something Wicked Comes This Way...

 

(voiceofthehungry.com)

I keep asking myself, how did this happen to me, (actually, it's more like How in the FUCK did this happen me?)  

The term catfish refers to basically someone who lives in an alternate reality whom creates a whole other persona.  Kind of like being a gamer, ya know?   Creating alternate realities and mindfucking people has been going on for ions. Ever since the documentary CATFISH and MTV's Catfish  show came out, we as a population can say, "Hey you've been catfished".  The art of mindfucking people for ones selfish purpose now has a label.  Bravo! 

Alright so back to my story of being "catfished".  I had to wait a little while to write this because I wanted to share my experience with a clear mind.  I needed some time to process this experience and ask myself certain questions.  Such as, Why didn't I just run the other way when I first felt those suspicions, Why did I allow myself to be put into this situation?  The blame does not lie solely on the person doing the catfishing.  Here goes... 

Yes, obviously I use social media as an outlet and yes, I am on gplus as well.  It is odd how I met this person, lets call him "Leo".  I signed up on gplus and saw some really thought provoking posts on my feed so I went to hit share and I wasn't allowed to.  Naturally, I contacted the gplus member aka Leo and asked him if he would mind making his posts available for sharing.  That is where it all started.  We started out as online friends.  We didn't talk all the time at first, just from time to time.  After awhile, our friendship evolved and he would tell me about his problems and I would in turn share mine.  At the time I was seeing someone, so he got to hear all about that.  Okay after things didn't work out the guy I was dating at the time , Leo tells me, hey I like you but I need to break up with my girlfriend.  At first, my reaction was, hmmm, lets go with the flow, I'm emotionally drained and you still need to break up with your girlfriend.  Things started to progress, he broke up with his girlfriend and we got somewhat closer.  At this point, I asked him, so when are you going to give me a phone call?  Then he came out with well I am insecure because I have a speech impediment from the coma I was in due to my overdosing.  I still thought nothing much about it at that point, because in the beginning of our friendship, Leo had shared some of his personal life with me.  I let it slide for a small period of time.  Then he sent me a beautiful fruit basket for my birthday!  After that, shit went downhill!  I decided to do something nice for him and buy him the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  I asked him for his address and he gave it to me.  For nine bucks and free shipping! Why not?  I thought it would be nice to share my love of Lord of the Rings with him.  Two days later I get a message from UPS stating that the address is incomplete! So I text Leo and he makes up another lie about why he can't give me his address and that he is sorry because he honestly thought they would drop it in the front.  Ok.  My wild woman is aroused and on alert.  So, I said fine, but you have to pick up those movies and make sure you have identification.  Guess what? he never picked the movies up!  A a week or so passes by and I ask him for proof of identity and that turned into a three ring circus.  He ended up emailing  me a picture of his passport.  Which by the way was fake, fake, fake!  According to the government, a passport picture has to be taken a certain way.  His did not meet those standards.  Okay, this craziness lasted three months.  Leo had this habit of checking into google with me, meaning he used his gps to check in at certain locations. For example, he would be at the gym or a meeting and gplus would list an address (which btw, if you turn off the GPS on your phone and you want to use that check in feature on gplus you can be anywhere in the world you want!) .  Well once I started getting suspicious,  my very awesome girlfriend started making some phone calls.  Guess what?  a little detective/role playing work goes a long way.  No Leo.  Hmmmm.. Interesting.  At this point,  my inner wild woman is saying just drop his ass.  However, my heart said he has a reason and I am going to give him the chance to come clean.  Well the lies continued to pile on.  I mean elaborate lies,  for example, he had a name change.  Wait, how can you live in the same area where people already know you with your old legal name?  He really couldn't answer that question.  I  had gathered enough of my own evidence to back him into a corner.  However, I waited and watched him write more lies.   Keep in mind I still haven't spoken to him on the phone. Oh! a side note,  He and I used voxer to communicate, I would talk and he would text and sometimes we used viber.  I gave him some ammo!    When I asked him about the current name he was using, he said that his mother had removed his middle name (wtf?).  So I pushed harder, and told him that his legal name is not "Leo" because no one there knows him as Leo.  He fessed up and said, yes that is true, I am afraid to tell you my real name because it is connected to my real dad who did effed up things.  He came out and said, he had somewhat of a criminal record and proceeded to tell me what he had done.  Okay, fine, nothing bad.  I told him I still wanted to know his legal name and he agreed to tell me the next day.  Deep down inside I knew that would never happen.  We spent all day going back and forth through voxer and texting about when he was going to tell me his legal name.  He told me he wasn't feeling good, he was sick, not mentally well, etc... !  Needless to say, things came to a screeching halt.


When I say screeching halt, I mean his prepaid phone that he claimed was a contract phone was turned off.  After I sent him a message on soundcloud he deleted that account as well.  He also deleted his gmail account and his gplus account.  Poof! he disappeared like a fart in the wind. 

Did I care about this person?  Yes.  Did I allow myself to become mindfucked? Absolutely! I wasn't fully healed when I made the decision to get swept away by this person, whom I thought at the time was pretty good to me.  A healthy relationship won't always be 50/50, sometimes it will be 45/55 and that is okay.  But when it gets to to 25/75, that is way off balance.  When our souls become malnourished we are willing to break all of our own healthy relationship boundaries.  We start to contort ourselves. 

Let's face it, this shit isn't funny and these kinds of games are malicious.  I googled "The psychology of catfish"  and there are several articles explaining the different kinds of catfish.  There are lonely, revenge, thrill seekers, extrovert type of catfishes.  Okay look, give me a break.  Honestly, I don't care what kind of catfish one is, stop doing it.  It's malicious.  What the fuck happened to the true essence of humanity? 

This can happen to anyone! Even YOU.   Don't be so trusting of people online.  Always ask yourself where you are at emotionally.  Google them (it's not stalking) you are just trying to make sure they exist.  Skype is a good idea, but anyone can claim to be Rocco or Nikki.  Public records are now online.  Ask for them to take a selfie with a particular item.  There are a million and one things you can do make sure you are not being taken for a ride.  Most of all trust your instincts.  IF it smells like shit, guess what?  Then it's SHIT.


RAWR!  Live and Love Fiercely!!!!!

What does it mean to be Metaphysically Fierce?

Evolving comes to mind.  Life and its wicked curve balls have a certain way of knocking you the fuck around and sometimes HARD.  When I think of being metaphysically fierce, I think about what it means and what it takes to be human.  I have fallen many times on my face and believe me, getting back up wasn't always easy.  Have the lessons been worth it?  Absolutely.  Of course when I am in the middle of a shit storm I don't see it.  What I have learned is the importance of embracing my pain.  This quote is really powerful:

 Dadme la muerte que me falta… give me the death I need …” Rosario Castellanos

This quote resonates within me because it is true; in order to transform into something beautiful we must die.  That pain is metaphysical and to own it, well it's fierce.  

Be Fierce!  Live and Love Fiercely. 

Have I gone Mad? Have you?

 
We live in a fast paced concrete  society "gogogogo"! Gah! Just the thought of it makes my mind spin! I, like many others have had my ups and downs! Who the eff hasn't? I can honestly and openly admit that yeah, I walked around feeling numb inside (for years!).  I was literally dead inside.  A few years ago, once again I found myself in a pit of hell!  Inside I  was screaming and dying at the same time. I was literally stuck in my own HELL.  Dante's Inferno comes to mind.  At any rate, here I was a single mom, two kids and an abusive boyfriend (whom was emotionally and physically abusive).  That relationship lasted a bit too long.. like years long before I pushed kicked him out of my life.  During that relationship, I felt suicidal, self-hate, weak, and barely able to breathe.  So even though I was at the bottom of the barrel (I think Kronos and I hung out a few times), wild woman came out for a moment in time to kick that mofo to the curb.  Hooray me, right?  NOPE! I was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.  While I could breathe again, my soul was in shambles.  Ahh! and thus, "The Journey of the Self" begins.  Stay tuned:)

 









 

The Many Faces of Marsha!

Okay, so I have finally decided to stick with blogging here!  Hopefully my life stories will reach out and touch somebody!  You and me, guess what?  We are not alone!  At the end of the day we are in this together, LIFE.  

Let me begin with, my name! Marsha G.  I am 40 years old and ya know, I really don't know what the big deal is with turning 40.  I think it's pretty awesome:)  I always say age is just a state of mind.  In the grand scheme of things it is irrelevant.  I say thrive, enjoy your heartbeat; it's pretty extraordinary. 

So... here's a little bit about me!!! I have got two awesome two leggeds and five awesome four leggeds! Can you believe it?  I am surrounded by true beauty and I get to wake up to it everyday of my life.  LIFE is awesome.  I recently graduated with a Health Studies degree from Texas Woman's University (which btw, is an awesome Uni!).  For the past five years I have been going to school year round! Yeah that is right, year round! I am taking this very rare opportunity to enjoy the summer hanging out with my pack.  Although, I do look forward to creating opportunities which will enable me to follow my bliss. 

Ciao for now!
Love Fiercely!
Marsha!