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Today I got a call from my mother. She told me that my father had decided he
wasn’t coming to my daughter’s high school graduation. I know what his reason is. ME. My
father came to my college graduation two years ago and he ignored me the entire
time. We took pictures and the extent of
his dialogue was “congratulations”. He
and my mother stayed with me and to be honest it was awkward and painful.
I am writing this not because I blame my dad, I am self-aware and I am an active participant in my own personal journey. Sharing stories is not only healing it is a way to connect with others. We are not alone and we don't have to be. Just like we share our joys we should also share our pain.
How did this all start? When I look back into my childhood, my dad
was there. He paid the bills and
provided for his family. But he was never
there emotionally. There are so many
things that happened during my childhood.
That’s life. No family is “normal”. What one considers normal, another will
consider dysfunctional.
At any rate, I
grew up feeling like I was never enough for my dad. Basically, I grew up feeling rejected. I was so desperate for his validation, all I
wanted was for him to be proud of me.
Once I got married and he met my ex-husband and his family he
approved. He almost didn’t come to my
wedding because he never approved of anything I did. I was so relieved when he approved of my ex-husband,
finally, my dad accepted me on some level. My relationship with my dad grew into a
friendship but he was still judgmental.
I didn’t care because my dad and I were finally close and most importantly
he approved of me.
Even though, my dad and I were close, I still never confided
in him about certain things. It has
always been like that with my parents.
We never had the kind of relationship where I could share the most
vulnerable parts of my being with them.
For about nine years I had a relationship with my dad and then I told
him that I was getting a divorce. Of
course, he never knew there were problems because I never told him about
it. After I told him that I wanted a
divorce, the relationship I had cultivated with my father was gone. There was no talking to him, there was only
judgement on his part. I did my own
thing and just ignored what had happened, after all, I was used to being
rejected by my dad.
Well, after a few years, I started college again. Many other things happened in my life and
this time something inside of me shifted.
All the pain, the pain overwhelmed me.
For the first time, I was looking at myself and it was excruciating and
at the same time cathartic. I embraced
my darkness. In doing so, I came face to
face with the pain that I felt over being rejected by my dad not just once, but
many times over. There were many times
were I found myself crying because that pain was so great, it wasn’t just an
emotional pain, it was a physical pain.
My dad had broken my heart over and over and he was never there to help
me piece it back together.
I don’t hate my dad and I am not mad, I choose to love. He is a good man but he has his own
demons. Even though, I am a still and
will always be a work in progress, it still hurts
because I do love my dad.
The relationship between a father and his child is vital to
a child’s well-being and their psyche.
