As of late I have been thinking about LIFE and what it means to be a part of this great Universe. Within every nook n cranny of life's trials and tribulations there are always lessons to be learned. Fear, hate, and anger used to rule my world and now, I feel fueled by Love. I just want to love because hate is emotionally draining. Don't get me wrong, there are social issues that I am passionate about and when it comes to my kids, well... Let's just say, I have the divine animal right to protect my pack at all costs.
Why are people so afraid to just be who they are? Accept it, we all have a past. I fall in love with people who share themselves with me and even though they have endured that pain, they incite love; those who aren't afraid to share their battle scars with me are magnificent creatures. What I see is a beautiful and luminous soul; it inspires me. I don't just see it or hear it, I feel it. Their pain and joy becomes a part of my being. Then there are those who are lost in their darkness and are fueled by hate. I admit it, there is a sliver of me that is attracted to this darkness and wants to save them. Alas, I can not. The journey of the self is an important one. The journey of the self is ongoing. What I can do is offer my love, kindness, respect, and compassion. What I won't allow is for someone to become dependent on me filling their void. That is what I like to refer to as an emotional vampire.
There are some days, I just want to hug people and there are days where I want to hug trees instead:)
Your past is not important, what is important is what kind of person are you this second. How do you treat others...
Embrace one another... but understand the value of kicking those emotional vamps out of your life. Never feel guilty for taking care of you first.
"Once a person has reached enlightenment in one thing, he will have an enlightened mind and understand many things." Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai
Live and Love Fiercely!
Aoooooooooooo
It has been quite awhile since I last blogged. I sometimes forget how cathartic it can be to spill one's beans during that special moment when everything you feel is exposed and raw. Kind of like exposed nerves. I am going to share my story.
There's this guy. I met this guy online during the summer on one of those sites where one can find plenty of fish. I remember meeting him the first time, it was rather awkward. At any rate, bumping of the hips happened and once more after that. In between there was a lot of ridiculous texting because he wanted to hook up again. I am very attached to my sweet solitude and well, let's just say for me to give up a Marsha day for some guy, that mofo has to be pretty special. No joke. At any rate, I had said forget it and didn't care to re-connect with him as he is very distant and closed off. Basically emotionally unavailable. To be honest, I am not tolerant of this kind of b.s. and I am not going to break anyone's fucking walls down (this sentence is going to seem hypocritical as I continue my story). Oooook... so, he reaches out to me on the online date site we initially met on. I can honestly say, that I had no desire to date him but a caring and compassionate friends with benefits would be nice. There was zero connection, no electricity, nothing. My inner wild woman was telling me, some things just are not meant to be, plus it just didn't feel right.
Wow, I wrote this a few weeks ago, more like two months ago. I decided not to post it right away as I was strictly focusing on my state of mind. Now I am back and feeling great. My next few blog entries will focus on how physical activity, spirituality, and mental wellness all play a major part in learning to cope with being HUMAN. I will share my story/journey because I feel it is important for those reading this to understand you are not alone.
Live and Love Fiercely,
LA LOBA :)
As I type this, I can literally feel the anxiety rushing through my body and right into the tips of my fingers. Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed with life and somewhat in a funk. Actually, not somewhat, I am in a funk. I feel nervous. Earlier, I was taking a shower and thinking about everything that was bothering me, weighing me down, and my get out of funk master plan. So here is the thing, it's part of life. My problem isn't so much getting out of the funk, it's not allowing myself to fall so far that it becomes a battle to get out. Which is where I am at right now. I would like to have more control over my funk and not allow myself to get to the point where I feel anxious. I literally woke up this morning feeling like I had this huge weight on my chest. I got out of bed made my kids a scrumptious fruit smoothie and boiled a few eggs. I dropped my son off at the bus stop and came home. On the way to the bus stop, my friend called me this morning. We had a short conversation about how I was feeling and I have to admit, it felt good to put it out there. It relieves some of that internal pressure I am feeling.
Now for my master plan: I decided to disconnect from social media for just a little bit. I mean seriously, I got sick of seeing all these spiritual sayings. Feeling like this just reaffirms the fact that it is time for me to withdraw and start taking care of me. Start feeding my soul. How many ways can one write about taking the journey of the self? One things for sure, everyone's journey of the self is different. Okay, my plan of attack for getting out of the funk and be able to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee for future funk episodes, include:
First things first, Get out of the funk. Marsha's emergency prescription:
Yoga (a.m/p.m)
Going out for daily walks/hikes
Disconnect from social media for a bit
UCLA mindfulness mp3's twice a day for a week (a.m./p.m.)
Set daily goals
The float like a butterfly and sting like a bee portion will come as soon as I am successfully out of the funk zone.
Life is filled with valuable lessons. Oh yes!. I have jumped into the rabbit hole of love many times and I have not regretted a single one. Okay, let me make note of something, during a shit storm, I did question, WTF? Why?? Can I just erase this and make it go away? However, after the dust has settled, the hurt is gone, and I have allowed myself to go through the healing process, I am back to feeling love again. I don't feel fragmented and I am fairly good at piecing myself back together. Wait, remember Xena the Warrior Princess? Yeah, I have a few female warrior friends that surround and protect me when I am to weak to pick myself up.
So this past year, as far as relationships go, some have hurt worse than others. I am willing to take a leap of faith but I do proceed with caution as to not get to the boiling point of self-destruction. There are two things I keep in mind when I make the decision to get involved; Bob Marley once said, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”AND, Rome was not built in ONE day.
If it's meant to be, the seed planted will grow and bloom into something magnificent. There's no magic formula to finding love. When I come across articles that discuss "rules of dating", I instantly think, BLAH. What a hassle. What's wrong with just being who you are? Do we really live in a society where playing the cat and mouse chase is thrilling and do men really want to be a superhero? I am by far a damsel in distress, and being a single woman/mother means you gotta be FIERCE. I will only open my soul fully to one I deem is worth suffering for. Again, all relationships, regardless of type, take time to cultivate. So what I have learned this past year????
A few things:
- Date locally: Long distance has very little chance of working. Since it takes time and work to build a relationship, it is best to do it face to face. At least, in my own experience, I have come to accept long distance is not for me.
- Don't date someone who is afraid to be alone: I have come to appreciate being in solitude. I am not afraid to be alone and I don't want to be co-dependent on someone for my happiness or vice versa. I can not save anyone, but I can walk next to them. One has to be willing to understand the value of saving themselves.
- Listen to my Inner Wild Woman: This one can be somewhat tricky, because sometimes it is fear that holds us back. However, I have found that with practice you get better at listening to what your inner voice is trying to tell you. If you feel it in your bones and at the core of your soul, do not ignore it. Follow through and have faith in yourself. Not everything needs an explanation.
It is refreshing and LIBERATING to own who you are. It feels fanfuckingtastic!
I will recommend an excellent website, A site I frequent and learned from as well. Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim's site isn't so much about how to date, it's about relationships and the issues that can and do occur. Her articles empower one to take control and responsibility of their lives http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/.
Live and Love Fiercely,
Marsha
My last blog was about being depressed and I have to admit, I don't mind it. At first, there was this fear factor, diving into the abyss of my soul and into the many layers of my human psyche, well it was fucking surreal and somewhat intimidating. Why is that it took me years to actually take that journey, the journey of the self? There were a series of events in my life that occurred and I finally decided to take the RED pill. Ever since then, I haven't looked back. I can't imagine what life is like without going inside of myself and really getting close to my own madness. There's is a sort of a chaotic yet calm beauty that arises when one begins to understand their own madness.
In my world, depression is normal, it is part of being human. It is true, that in order to be joyful one must also endure pain. I believe that in all of my trials and tribulations, pain, suffering, screaming, yelling, wanting to die, being dead inside, I have learned to value and love Marsha. Evolving is an everyday part of living and I shall not lie, it does take practice. I don't always walk around with a smile on my face. When I am down or feeling like a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of someones shoe, there's always a part of me that is grateful. Grateful that I am alive and I know that this too shall pass (whatever this is at the time).
At any rate, Life is fucking awesome:)
Live and Love Fiercely,
(fuck what everyone else thinks)
Marsha.
Posts
