How dare he... OR How dare I.

It has been quite awhile since I last blogged.  I sometimes forget how cathartic it can be to spill one's beans during that special moment when everything you feel is exposed and raw. Kind of like exposed nerves.  I am going to share my story.  

There's this guy.  I met this guy online during the summer on one of those sites where one can find plenty of fish.  I remember meeting him the first time, it was rather awkward.  At any rate, bumping of the hips happened and once more after that.  In between there was a lot of ridiculous texting because he wanted to hook up again.  I am very attached to my sweet solitude and well, let's just say for me to give up a Marsha day for some guy, that mofo has to be pretty special.  No joke.  At any rate, I had said forget it and didn't care to re-connect with him as he is very distant and closed off.  Basically emotionally unavailable.  To be honest, I am not tolerant of this kind of b.s. and I am not going to break anyone's fucking walls down (this sentence is going to seem hypocritical as I continue my story).  Oooook... so, he reaches out to me on the online date site we initially met on.  I can honestly say,  that I had no desire to date him but a caring and compassionate friends with benefits would be nice.  There was zero connection, no electricity, nothing.  My inner wild woman was telling me, some things just are not meant to be, plus it just didn't feel right.  


Here we goooooo.  After he reached out to me online, I did respond and being the person that I am, I said sure, lets hook up.  Keep in mind that not one phone call took place, the entire conversation consisted of texting.  WTF?  REWIND.. WTF, being the person that I am?  Weak boundaries and my incessant need to open Pandora's box AND ignoring my inner wild woman.  After a few glasses of wine and after the events that occurred that evening,  I was rather contorted.  I kept thinking What the fuck, Marsha???  Seriously???.  

LESSONS LEARNED:

If it smells like shit, it is:  I didn't feel an initial connection and giving it time or the benefit of the doubt is not going to change that.  Yes, it is true, it does take time to cultivate friendships and relationships.  However, when meeting a new person, there are a lot of A-HA type moments which makes you want to get to know them even more. 

SEX:  I seriously don't want to have sex with anyone unless there's an emotional connection.  Otherwise it is tedious and redundant.  I get more pleasure from my dildo.  Of course, because I love me.  I have no desire to share my erotic desires with another person unless they are willing to be vulnerable.  Just an FYI, sex should not feel like it is work... okay?  

Boundaries: I like to go with the flow, actively.  However, when it comes to dating I need stricter boundaries.  I am not willing to sacrifice my self-respect for an asshole who doesn't value me as a human being.  Fuck that.  No one should.  We live in a society where integrity is scarce.  All I want is to be respected and treated with love, kindness, and compassion.  Trust me, those things are hard to come by.  It is ridiculous how apathy is more common these days.  

After everything happened, as I mentioned before,  I felt contorted.  Drained.  Emotional pain.  I didn't blame him for how I felt, I blamed me.  In the end, it was my decision.  I embraced my beast and crawled into his lap and just let myself feel.  After all, denying those feelings will only fester and it leads to self-destruction.  We all fall down, just do the fucking work.  

Live and Love Fiercely!!!!!!