Bamboo

Metaphysically Fierce... I am still howling.  I spent about 2 hours dancing and reconnecting with the UNIVERSE.

Divorced for the second time.  I spent three years with a man that I loved fiercely and over time the relationship began to deteriorate and so did that feeling of love.  Relationships take two people, right?  It is never going to be 50/50, correct?  All good.  Jlo's song comes to mind "I'm ain't your mama" 

I clearly remember, after everything exploded and he was gone,  I went through the phases of grief.  It is quite a mind fuck.  A few days after he left, I spoke to a friend, and he asked me - Marsha, did he gaslight you?  I felt insulted, I bit his head off.  What? Me? never.  My friend wasn't used to hearing me sound so out of sorts.    

At the end of the day, I am not a victim.  My heart and soul were open and he was in my circle, until he showed me who he was and La Loba started to shake, shake, shake - I ignored it.  Sometime during December 2019 he told me he wanted a divorce. He said a lot of things that made sense - such as: we are not right for each other, I have been depressed, you are too strong for me - My response was, wait what? lets work on it.  Deep down I knew he was right.  I just wasn't willing to accept it.  

About a few weeks later, he woke up in state of rage - blaming me for giving something to my daughter, called me a manipulator, a liar, stated that the relationship was shit, and that he was done .  At that point, I said okay. Fuck it.  He called me minutes later and wanted to reconcile.  Okay sure.  Then a few weeks after that, we were sitting in my living room and I was thinking, you know fuck this, I am sitting here like some dumb ass trying to work on a dead marriage and being supportive - and he is still being a dick.  I decided, no more.  

It took me a few weeks to collect myself.  I spent some time within the confines of my soul... allowing La Loba to take over.. Shake, shake, shake.  La Loba - the center of me, it is where I found healing.

My body, soul, and mind have now found its rhythm with the Universe... Letting go completely and taking what I needed to learn from that relationship... nourishing my soul with it, feels good.  

Accepting things and people for what and who they are... Exhilarating.  

I don't feel regret - I don't miss him.  I gave too much of myself and went into survival mode. 

I am free.  At last.  

Aoooooooooo

If it insults your soul

It has been awhile since my last post.  Today, I am feeling inspired to spew that which insults my soul. Forgiveness does not imply to forget.  Unconditional love does not give one a pass to hurt another so deeply that a gaping wound is left to heal on its own.  Talk, Talk, Talk, Talk... RAWR... enough!  Have people lost the ability to feel another person or the ability to understand what it means to be mindful?  Fuck! 

I have never been the kind of woman that stays down for too long. 

Shake, Shake, Shake, says Wild Woman.

Today I got a call from my mother.  She told me that my father had decided he wasn’t coming to my daughter’s high school graduation.  I know what his reason is.  ME.  My father came to my college graduation two years ago and he ignored me the entire time.  We took pictures and the extent of his dialogue was “congratulations”.  He and my mother stayed with me and to be honest it was awkward and painful.  

I am writing this not because I blame my dad, I am self-aware and I am an active participant in my own personal journey.  Sharing stories is not only healing it is a way to connect with others.  We are not alone and we don't have to be.  Just like we share our joys we should also share our pain.  

How did this all start?  When I look back into my childhood, my dad was there.  He paid the bills and provided for his family.  But he was never there emotionally.  There are so many things that happened during my childhood.  That’s life.  No family is “normal”.  What one considers normal, another will consider dysfunctional.  

At any rate, I grew up feeling like I was never enough for my dad.  Basically, I grew up feeling rejected.  I was so desperate for his validation, all I wanted was for him to be proud of me.  Once I got married and he met my ex-husband and his family he approved.  He almost didn’t come to my wedding because he never approved of anything I did.  I was so relieved when he approved of my ex-husband, finally, my dad accepted me on some level.   My relationship with my dad grew into a friendship but he was still judgmental.  I didn’t care because my dad and I were finally close and most importantly he approved of me.

Even though, my dad and I were close, I still never confided in him about certain things.  It has always been like that with my parents.  We never had the kind of relationship where I could share the most vulnerable parts of my being with them.  For about nine years I had a relationship with my dad and then I told him that I was getting a divorce.  Of course, he never knew there were problems because I never told him about it.  After I told him that I wanted a divorce, the relationship I had cultivated with my father was gone.  There was no talking to him, there was only judgement on his part.   I did my own thing and just ignored what had happened, after all, I was used to being rejected by my dad. 

Well, after a few years, I started college again.  Many other things happened in my life and this time something inside of me shifted.  All the pain, the pain overwhelmed me.  For the first time, I was looking at myself and it was excruciating and at the same time cathartic.  I embraced my darkness.  In doing so, I came face to face with the pain that I felt over being rejected by my dad not just once, but many times over.  There were many times were I found myself crying because that pain was so great, it wasn’t just an emotional pain, it was a physical pain.  My dad had broken my heart over and over and he was never there to help me piece it back together.  

I don’t hate my dad and I am not mad, I choose to love. He is a good man but he has his own demons.  Even though, I am a still and will always be a work in progress, it still hurts because I do love my dad. 

The relationship between a father and his child is vital to a child’s well-being and their psyche.  

Tis Written Upon Thy Soul

I am the midst of studying for an exam and I needed a small break.  I spend a considerable amount of time reflecting and getting in touch with my feelings.  I love the feeling of being self-aware.  I have realized the more I become one with myself, the harder it becomes to fall into the rabbit hole of darkness.  I used to be incredibly self-destructive and I would fall into the land of despair.  Awful feeling.  I had several of those "I just want to stop breathing" days.  I will say this, giving birth to self awareness was a bitch!  However, as time has gone by, cultivating self awareness is a labor of love. Growth is never easy, it can be excruciating, but the end result is owning who you are and becoming METAPHYSICALLY FIERCE.  Make the decision to be Metaphysically Fierce.  Own who you are.

Artist: Jae Lee

Welcome to my House

I was thinking about this earlier; What do I want out of a relationship?  I keep saying Kindness, Compassion, Respect, and Love.  That seems pretty simple, right? Things that make you go hmmmmm...

I know I can be a pill at times.  I have been a single mom for about a decade now.  Being a single mom turns you into a warrior with some heavy armor.  What I mean by that is,  I am ambitious, driven, independent, passionate, and strong willed.  I have been doin' me for awhile.  So what do I want in a Man? I want a Man that will create a "Heaven in hell's despair" (William Blake).  Ahh... and What do I mean by that?  I want to curl up into his soul and feel comfort when I feel weak.  

I am not afraid of being in a relationship.  If I make the decision to become someone's partner in crime, I give that individual my all.  I open the doors to my soul.  However, that comes at a great cost, if a crack in the foundation can not be repaired, the foundation crumbles and my doors slam shut.  Trust is vital in any relationship.  It is the foundation.  

I don't need a man to shower me with money. I want a man who can be there for me emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.  

The Universe Resides Within YOU.

It is interesting how we as human beings, the most "complex" beings on earth are continuously looking for the meaning of life.  We seek answers to: how to be happy, how to love yourself, how to.... Google it, how to ______ and you will find zillions of blogs, articles, studies all generated towards helping you find answers.  However, when it comes to understanding how to be happy or how to love yourself, well that is dependent on several variables.  Bottom line, you will fall many times over and the good news is that as you become wiser and more self aware, you will become stronger and those falls, while still painful, you will become more resilient and getting the fuck back up becomes instinctual.

  I like to think that starting with practicing how to be grateful is a good stepping stone towards learning to love yourself and learning how to be happy without depending on someone else for it.  

Be grateful for the air that fills your lungs, be grateful for the fact that even though you may feel pain, you are alive.  Be grateful that the pain will transform you and you will evolve. Understand that you might not be accepting of the pain at first because you are in the middle of an emotional shit storm, but that will pass and there is a light at the end of that shit storm.  Trust and have faith in yourself. Also be grateful for those quiet moments in life. There's nothing more liberating than owning who you are and speaking your truth without fear of persecution.   After all, this is your life.  Live it according to your own damn rules and fuck what society thinks.  

Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit. We are all the same in this notion: The potential for greatness lives within each of us. Josephine Baker

Human Behavior and its predictability

Human Behavior…… Here’s the thing, human behavior is quantifiable.  If you pay attention and what I mean by paying attention, listen and watch with intent.  When you start to think that it’s you and you did something wrong to make the relationship go awry, think again!  Don’t hit the self-destructive button just yet!  I have jumped into this rabbit hole a few times.  

For example, the first time you discover someone has lied to you, regardless of their reasons, if they have lied to you.... It sets a precedent for things to come.  Yes, I am writing from personal experience.  There once was a fella who lied to me not once but twice about something so ridiculous, whom also told me his pet peeve was unnecessary lying! WTF? Really? All before I had even met him face to face. 

That’s just one example.  When a situation like this arises, you can be sure that more bad behavior is on the way.  So pay attention, don’t just shrug it off.  We all find ourselves in situations we are willing to forgive and let things that we may consider a small mistake, slide.  I get that.  I had an experience where I did just that.  I let it slide and the first time we met face to face, we had an excellent weekend.  I felt connected to this individual.  However, as time went on things started to spiral.  I went back to the beginning and had I actually taken some data on his behavior, a trend line would have appeared.  MHM.  

Yes, Maya had a point.

Live and Love Fiercely, 

Aoooooo!